Robin Williams

Terribly sad news of beloved comedian and actor Robin Williams' passing reverberated around the world today. Long time sufferer of depression, he could not be rescued by the love of those in his inner circle, or the love of millions of fans that adored him almost as much. 

Depression is a cruel and cunning mistress that grips you before you are even aware of her influence. The seeds of self-hate have long sprouted, and roots have completely enveloped you in this twisted world of Lady D, where you are the only one responsible and deserved of feeling that pecular way, or so you think - fat, ugly, unlovable, stupid, unable, inadequate ... these are just a few mantras one repeats in the inner monologues. Feeling this way is only a revelation of what everyone else was thinking, while I was too fat, ugly, unlovable, stupid, unable and inadequate to realize before. Drumming this mantra into your subconscious and making sure, the echo is heard often. 
This is something I know to well, having suffered from depression since I was 10. 
Having depression is still such a stigma, even when you realize that you might be drowning you're helpless to do anything about it. the shame and the burden of admitting that you feel "sad" is unbearable. I say sad because this is the feeling that I presumed other people would perseve it as. Most people will say: "Just get over it, be happy. There is only one life... You have so much to look forward to, and so much love in your life..."
The feeling of doom was palpable, constant expectation of failure, anxiety and low self worth gnawed at me day and night; the rage at my impotence to do anything about my life was all consuming and the feeling of hopelessness rained my every waking moment - sometimes I felt so overwhelmed that I would self harm just to feel some other kind of pain but that was sadly only too short lived. Often I would wake up wishing I was dead, or to suffer an accident on my way to work anything but a whole day of being me.

“I didn’t want my picture taken because I was going to cry. I didn’t know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I’d cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full.” - Sylvia Plath

So many suffer, yet so few know they do. The culture we live in glorifies wealth, fame and competition but many famous, wealthy people suffer too.  Depression is not racist, sexist, ageist, xenophobic, homophobic, doesn't discriminate on the basis of creed, wealth or status it truly encompasses the whole spectrum of people, and if you don't know anyone who's depressed, you should check if you are.


NHS Depression self-assessment  


“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.
Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.” - Stephen Fry


Often, you don't even feel sad or stressed, in fact, you don't feel anything; not black or white just ... grey, indifferent, meh.

What many don't realize is that the lethargy - the imposing inertia -  is unbeatable, and you cannot muster the fight when you feel so indifferent towards the world. The love, care and compliments people give you fall on deaf ears - they might as well be talking to a plant that hangs so handsomely, creatively and lovingly by your side, I do hear and understand the words but they don't register or make any impact.
Anger, nay, rage that comes with depression is inexplicable; awake with anxiety and the feeling of worthlessness I have spent many nights wondering what was the point of this pathetic life "Everyone would be better off if I was gone." Sharing my thoughts with anyone would be the only thing more  excruciating and shameful than what I'm going through now; also, the look of sadness in their eyes often translates as patronizing when in such deep state of turmoil. Consequently, many depressed people isolate - hide from the view - put on a mask and pretend when faced with the outside world. 

“When you're surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you're by yourself. You can be in a huge crowd, but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, you feel like you're really alone.” - Fiona Apple


Wearing that mask is exhausting thus isolation is the only escape. Sat alone, ruminating, regurgitating conversations and encounters making sure to remind yourself how stupid/boring/embarrassing you were... Then there is a day of clarity and as if by magic, you feel great, almost happy. That does not last long, and with the harshest of revenge, Lady D is back chocking every atom of life out of you.  So, the cycle begins again. 


“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. Surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it is terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’ can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.” - D. F. Wallace

All this being said, there is a way out and not just one but a few ways you can shake Lady D off of your back; however, the journey is not without its peril. for me personally, medicines has not helped, in fact, it had made me feel worse - somewhat out of control (that could be due to my substance abuse at the time and the particular life circumstances) but for many it is the only way out. 
Currently, I am off all medications and am trying a more holistic (natural) way to control my mood.


If you are feeling depressed speak to your GP, or someone that can help (seek medical help). However, if you don't want to use medication or are looking for a more holistic approach read further, and come back next time when I will be looking into nutrition as a means to healing.

Here is a brief list of natural remedies that might help; however, always consult your GP before starting on any supplement:

• St. John’s Wort
• SAMe (S-Adenosyl-L-Methionine)
• Valerian 
• Lavander
• Omega-3 fatty acids
• B vitamins
• Vitamin D
• 5-HTP 
• Milk Thistle
• Gingko Biloba

Or you can try these suggestions without any consultations needed:

• Mediate (from my experience daily mediation practice really helps);
• Write something (even if like me you have no skill); 
• Talk to someone (even if you feel so embarrassed and ashamed - like me);
• Go for a run or any form of exercise (even if you 're a flat slob like me); 
• Draw something;
• Play with animals or children (they have an unparalleled zest for life and non-judgmental aura that truly helps); 
• Help someone - “Noble deeds and hot baths are the best cures for depression.”said Dodie Smith
• Force yourself to join a club of sorts (book, acting, fencing... anything)
• Set small goals that will lead you to a larger success - feeling of failure was one of the main triggers for me;
• Try to recognize any patterns in your mood oscillations - this is why writing is always a good outlet;
• Schedule your day - not too rigid, but make sure you do force yourself to do something (anything.) Just do not stay in bed the whole day, even though you want to;
• Keep check of your negative self-talk; this is our biggest enemy! Your brain is like a filling cabinet that stores all the things you say to yourself and from that it creates the image that.

Remember that getting better is a roller-coaster ride so don't get discouraged if you falter.

 
Also, bear in mind that you can and will prevail!

Next time, i will be looking into nutrition and expanding on meditation.
Till then stay strong and happy. x